Life and Death

I don't really know how to write about death.

I have to be honest, I had a difficult time deciding what to write about and what to leave out concerning the events of this past week. Finally I've decided just to write everything as I saw it and felt it.

So here we go:

A mom came in to the clinic in labor on monday morning. Everything progressed normally and quickly. Philippine women tend to have relatively short, easy labors, because their culture doesn't fear birth, like we do in the US, and women tend to be more relaxed.

I was standing right next to the mother when the baby was born. Right away, we could tell that there was something wrong, the baby wasn't crying or breathing. The midwives present began to stimulate the baby by drying it vigorously and flicking it's feet. There was no response, so they took vitals, and finding that the heart rate was abnormally low, they started ventilations, beginning chest compressions when the heart rate dropped even further as they arranged for a transport. this whole process took less than 5 minutes (closer to 3 minutes). The mother had reached out and taken hold of my hand tightly. Most of the time she spoke in Tagalog, but she said two things in english , "Save my baby" and "why?". I didn't know what to say, so I just narrated to her what the midwives were doing, and told her that her baby was still alive.

The hospital transport arrived, and one of the midwives took the baby, while the other stayed to care for the mom. We made her comfortable, and washed her legs while we waited for news from the hospital.

While we were waiting, life went on. I did a postpartum exam with Rebecca, a midwife from california. It was surreal, but it was also surprisingly comforting, to know that there were other parts of life that were continuing normally.

When we got the news from the hospital that the baby had died, I didn't know what to think. The Doctors at the hospital suspected a congenital heart anomaly. the Mother's relative didn't know how to tell her. How do you tell something like that to a mother? Can there be any good way?

I was in the other room when I heard quiet talking, then sobbing. It was raw grief. The midwives sat with her, Letting her cry, and prayed for her.

It almost seems that usually, when people cry, we want them to stop crying, we want to cheer them up. But you don't stop this kind of crying, because this is what crying is for.

I didn't know how to process what I was feeling. This was the first time I had ever seen a birth, and also the first time I have ever seen a person who had died. I felt still and empty.

That evening, the rest of the mission team from Mercy in Action came to the clinic. We talked about what had happened, then we all laid hands on the midwives who had been present and we prayed for them, and for the family, and for everyone who had been there.

I'm so glad we prayed. We were told that if we needed to talk about anything, or if weren't feeling well, to talk with someone about it.

Death is hard, even when you haven't known the person for more than 3 hours. It brought into sharp focus for me the fact that death is real, that it happens all of the time, and that we all need to be prepared for what comes afterward.

I'm thankful. Thankful for all of the babies who are born alive and healthy, thankful for the people there, who were able to show such clear thinking and compassion, in an urgent situation, and towards someone who was suffering so terribly.

How did this experience effect how I feel about midwifery? If anything, the reality and closeness of death gave me a greater desire to learn how to care for people who are grieving, and learn how to prevent death when there is something that can be done.

Aside from that, I'm still processing the events that took place, and I think I will be for a while.

The only other thing that I have to say, is how honored i feel, to be able to work with people who are such a good example of compassion and demonstrated love.